I hate when I call some business and I get the “Your Call Is Very Important to US” response. Then, pray tell, why don’t you return my damn call.

And the ultimate nasty one “Please listen to all the options as our options have changed.” Since when? And Why. Today there was one that had nine options. I just hit zero and hope to get the company operator.

Press 1 repeatedly if you are obsessive-compulsive.

If you are codependent, please have someone press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3,4,5, and 6.

Press 7 if you are delusional  and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.